from comedians to bloggers everywhere: go to hell! (except for me, my blog is cool)

“Look, it’s just us [here]. Blogs.. .what a bunch of bullshit!” – Paul F. Tompkins, The Wolf Den Podcast

If you’re a person with a heartbeat, you can agree that blogs are the worst thing to ever happen to human society and that includes Adolf Hitler. Bloggers should happily kill themselves, knowing they are doing the world a favor! Okay, I’m exaggerating a little. However, like any good comedian, I hate everything that bloggers have ever done. I’ve never read something a blogger wrote and thought, “Wow, I’m glad I read that! I definitely don’t want to kill whoever wrote this!” Any Joe Shmoe can write a blog to boost his self-importance; all you need are fingers to type. Who gives a shit about what you say! Boooo! Get. A. Life. Right???

Us comedians thoroughly despise bloggers. And rightfully so! Comedians are the truth-tellers of our society. They aren’t afraid to call people out, especially those faceless, soulless “writers” of the web who have no purpose in life other than to shamelessly wrangle clicks at any cost. Comedians provide the world a fantastic service: they make people laugh! On the other hand, bloggers complain. Laughter is positive; complaining is purely negativity. Bloggers bring people together to hate on others gripe about the state of the world. Nothing could be fucking sadder. Who wants that?

Bloggers are a bunch of no-good, self-important nobodies who don’t matter! That’s a fact. But, you shouldn’t just accept that as truth; there are a ton of great reasons why comedians think bloggers should jump off a damn cliff. As far as I know, no one has taken the time to carefully, thoughtfully, and meticulously put these degenerates in their place until now. So, here they are. Here are all the reasons that comedians think bloggers are jerk off fuckbrains.

Oh and by the way, THIS blog is really cool, though.


 

BLOGS ARE BORING AND THE PEOPLE WHO WRITE THEM ARE BORING

“One person got pissed, wrote a blog.. .it’s a lazy journal story. And then next thing you know you’re on a split screen and you’re talking to a f***ing blogger.” – Bill Burr, CCC

From the bottom of my heart — I could not care less.” Amy Schumer, Stuff

Can you even name ONE blogger? Has anyone ever lost their shit after running into their favorite blogger on the street? Have you ever heard the words “blogger” and “important” used in the same sentence until now? NO, OF COURSE YOU HAVEN’T! That’s because nobody who has ever been anybody ever gave a shit about blogging.

Allow me to share a mini history lesson on how blogging began. Here’s the origins story of the most important blogger of our generation:

Once there was a little boy. The boy was weird and never developed any social skills, so he didn’t have any friends at school. He got made fun of from time to time for being “super gay” (their words, not mine). But, even worse than getting picked on, he was mostly just ignored. It was as if nobody cared that this dumbfuck existed. After each school day, he’d come straight home and spend hours alone in his room fantasizing about transforming the world into a better place, just like the main characters of all his favorite fantasy novels. Basically, this kid was the quintessential loser piece of shit. 

Eventually, that shitty little boy grew into adolescence and, one day, he discovered a young internet. The shitty loser boy thought: this is my chance! This is how I’m going to make the world a better place: if I can’t win people over with my personality, I will with my words!

Right then, in his very first blog post, typed in fluorescent green light on a black screen like all the computers in his favorite sci-fi novels, the shitty boy – now a shitty man – in a thing called a “blog” (which had never been seen before) invented the term “political correctness.” And the very young internet world EXPLODED with approval. This was it. The shitty boy finally found his calling: shitty, shitty griping.

But, do you have any idea who that shitty loser boy turned into?! Who he is today? That same little boy who was once so alone, but who persevered through it all, turned into the biggest blogger of our entire generation: Edwin.

.. .Who the fuck is Edwin, you say? EXACTLY! HE’S STILL A GODDAMN NOBODY! EDWIN IS A WORTHLESS LOSER PIECE OF SHIT NOBODY!

There is nothing interesting about Edwin and there never will be. His story sucks. That’s the thing, though: it’s not just Edwin who sucks. Millions have followed in Edwin’s footsteps, creating an entire dog shit discipline we now call “blogging.”

Not only are bloggers uninteresting people, they aren’t even capable of writing something interesting. Writers say, “write what you know.” If you have a shit life, how can you write anything besides shit? That’s just how it works. It’s impossible for blogs not to be shit because bloggers are shit people, just like motherfuckin’ Edwin. Comedians have fulfilling, cool, riveting lives (like me) that fuel their incredible material. The closest that bloggers can come is to complain about people who have interesting lives. Here’s some advice, bloggers: go out and find yourself one of those goddamn lives you write about!

Just to be perfectly clear, I hate blogging with a passion. Fuck that shit. .. .The only reason I do it is because I know I have an opinion that is worth everyone hearing. And I am very funny. And I write interesting stuff because I have an incredibly amazing life. I’m fascinating. One time, I got to meet Bo Jackson’s cleaning lady. Now, would that have happened to a boring person? Exactly my point. My blog is awesome.


 

BLOGGERS ARE P.C. F**GOTS

Listen, you fucking fuckface. I don’t give a—listen, put me down for pro-rape as far as you’re concerned. That’s how much I don’t give a shit how you as a blogger feel. If you as a blogger have a problem, write down I’m pro-rape. That’s how much you don’t matter.” – Kurt Metzger, Daily Dot

When I first started writing this post, I thought, “I should try to be as fair and polite as possible to bloggers and try to see things from their perspective.” But then I thought, “Why bother? Would bloggers be fair to me as a comedian?? No! Of course not! Am I a comedian or am I a blogger?! Time to pick a fucking side!!”

So I’m gonna keep doing both, but that’s besides the point. The point is that the comedians are right. Fuck this P.C. shit and fuck bloggers! Bloggers boast the emotional development and the writing skills of middle schoolers. I’m tired of bloggers complaining about every little thing comedians say! Which is why I wrote this post to complain about them for a change! Bloggers are a bunch of whiners. It’s not fair! And it offends me. Bloggers trigger ME. And it’s time for that to stop. It’s time for the comedians to complain for once!

That’s the big problem with bloggers like Edwin: they invented the idea of political correctness so they could cry in a corner and have the world pat them on the back. Bloggers are mind-bogglingly rewarded for attaching themselves to celebrities who command clicks and who actually worked hard for their successes. Instead of complaining their way to approval and piggy-backing on others, comedians actually worked their asses off to write something people actually love.

Bloggers take things way too seriously. Bloggers are all like, “You hurt my feelings!” And It’s just like, “FUCK YOU I HOPE YOU DIE!” Bloggers take that well-crafted joke, that beautiful thing that people love, and they twist it into something totally different. They rob it of its context, completely ripping the joke of its meaning so that they can make a dumb point that has nothing to do with the joke.

.. .Except for me! See, I’m super duper cool! I don’t care about P.C. stuff. I mean already wrote the “F” word above! Well, sort of. If you count the *’s. You know what, it kind of makes me uncomfortable, but I’m actually gonna go ahead and get rid of those stars and spell out that awful word completely. See: fa-aaaahhh. Whoops. Um, I mean, “faaaaaaaaaaaaaggaroonies pantaloonies!” Okay Stu, just do it. Just take a deep breath and – FAGGOTS!

Whoa hoh! Wow, I wrote it! I’m so cool! I’m totally badass and I’m not afraid to take risks! Whoa! I’m no lame-o blogger dude! I live on the edge! Fuck political correctness! (But I also want to be clear that I only used the word to make a point and I would never actually say it in real life.)


 

BLOGGERS ARE UNORIGINAL CLICK-CRAVING PARASITES

“These bloggers need clicks desperately. It’s like a boiler room thing where they have to churn out all these blogs. They’re getting like a dollar a blog so they’re lying. They start developing this whole culture of ‘it doesn’t matter as long as they click.’ What happens is that it fails upwards where it starts on this blog level and then if that gets enough views, the next level of blogs like Huffington Post, Gawker, and stuff, and then it can eventually get up to like CNN and that’s when a lie can become a truth. And then people are so tribal that we begin mimicking what was originally a lie and now is true.

[plays opening from American Psycho] That feeling sums up how I feel about a lot of bloggers. Not that they’re killers, but I’ve met them at parties and they talked shit about me. I’ve met them at parties and they’re like, ‘Oh hey man I’m a big fan.’ And I’m like, ‘Bro, you said fighting words online.’ And they’re just like, “Oh yeah, yeah: clicks.’ You avatar yourself and you become this abstraction.”- Owen Benjamin, Why Didn’t They Laugh

Comedians are brilliant writers who craft works of art, while the only language bloggers understand is clicks. It’s totally self-centered; all bloggers want is the illusion that their bullshit opinion matters. It doesn’t matter if their audience actually likes what they say, as long as they have more and more numbers. It’s all, “Ooh, ooh look at me!! I need to be validated!” All integrity and honor is robbed from the writing in a quest to attain the website hit. The clickbait is cast out into the web to entice and reel in the bite of equally mindless, fat, blind whales at any cost.

And any cost means any cost. Bloggers are lying asshats who will say anything and do anything to get people’s attention. They’re copy cats with no originality. All they care about is what people either really want to or really don’t want to hear so they can massage it into clickbait. The ethics are gone. Blogging is high school gossip, without a face. Blogs are the reality shows of the internet. Either they cover surface-level crap like fashion, or they dive deep into the opinion of someone who is a nobody and doesn’t matter. Bloggers are degenerate blobs. If you replaced them all with a sack of potatoes, no one would notice. Their ideal demographic is the fat people from the movie Wall-e. Why don’t you get up in front of a crowd of people and share your opinions like a grown up instead of hiding behind a computer, blogger man? 

Bloggers spread hate. They only critique and complain and gripe about things they don’t like. Who are you? Why do you have the right to complain?

Worst of all is the shameless self-promotion that bloggers champion. It’s not good enough to just be a vapid, egotistical, fearful, emotional “person;” you have to plug your dumb mailing list or twitter or Facebook page. No one gives a shit!

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That’s why it’s so refreshing for comedians to finally read a blog like this one. When you read what I have to say, you can’t help but be like, “Well yeah I did say that I hate blogs.. .but obviously not this one. THIS one is great. A Comedian’s Notebook is the best!”

I’d never lie about anything or say anything bad about another comedian. I’m agreeing with them! In fact, if anything, I’m promoting them (check out Owen Benjamin’s podcast Why Didn’t they Laugh, it’s one of my favorites). I don’t care about people reading what I write. I just want people to gain happiness from my simple words.

And I’m no copy-cat; I’m totally original! In truth, another comic gave me the idea for this post, but he said it was cool if I used it. I’m different! I’m a great guy, I swear!


 

BLOGGERS DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT COMEDY

“I can’t accept anyone acting like they do what I do and then trying to criticize me on that level, which is what these bloggers and shit do, like, “Well, you see, comedy’s best when–” How do you know what’s best, you don’t fucking do it. Do your part.” – Kurt Metzger, Splitsider

What’s most offensive of all is the fact that bloggers don’t know anything about comedy, but they act like they do. Everybody thinks they know everything when it comes to comedy, but – no shit, Sherlock – stand up is way harder than it looks. It can take up to twenty or thirty YEARS to become an experienced performer and perfect your act. That experience takes time and effort, just like any other profession.

There’s no requirement for a blogger to put in the time and effort into becoming a comedian in order to write about one. A blogger can write whatever she wants about anyone in comedy, no matter how inexperienced she is. She can have the dumb idea today and have the dumb post published tomorrow – no experience necessary. With her English degree from a state school and a strong opinion, she can get a job at the Huffington Post and bash a comedian for saying something mildly “offensive” about feminism without the slightest awareness that what the comedian said was actually very funny and that’s really what matters. (that being said, go feminism!)

You don’t need any credentials to write something on the internet. Anyone can do it. Let’s see you get some stage time at Caroline’s, asshole.. .I don’t think so!

That’s why this blog is so different and good. I’m not some stupid blogger. Come on guys, you know me! I’m cool – I’m not like those other losers! You’re on my side! I’m changing the game. I’m doing something important. I’ve been doing comedy in New York City for a whole year now; I KNOW what I’m talking about. I mean do you see all these quotes? I do my research! I learned how to use the advanced search function on twitter so I could find hot, juicy tweets about blogging from your favorite comedians! I try hard, buddy.

A lot of blogs can be self-aggrandizing, but it’s okay to be confident when you know that you’re different. I’m not the problem – I’m the solution. This blog is going to save the world from dumb bloggers with stupid opinions on comedy everywhere. Just wait and see! Does everyone have to like this blog? No. But, is this blog going to revolutionize the comedy world? Almost definitely.

Obviously, not every blog can be great like mine. What am I even saying?? Scratch that – THE ONLY blog that has ever been any good is my blog! Every other blog is poppycock! They’re bullshit! And they need to be destroyed! There are other bloggers among us! We have to find them and encourage them to follow their instincts. Their instincts to slit their throats and eliminate themselves from our gene pool for the sake of humanity!

Let us comedians band together to destroy the bloggers of the world (except for this blog)!!! After all, if we can all agree on one thing, it’s that bloggers can go to hell! Except for me.

You can subscribe to my blog’s email list here. If following along over email isn’t your thing, no worries! You can also stay up to date with all my fantastic writing by following the blog on Facebook or Twitter. Let’s make this blog THE ONLY blog. We’re in this together.

 

“[Blogger comics] take an academic approach to standup and effectively undo everything fun and interesting about it.” – Sam Morril & Sean Donnelly, The Village Voice (written in, essentially, a blog post – a funny one, at that)

“So perhaps there are some amazing live comedy blogs out there. But if so, they’ve yet to dramatically impact on the industry.” – popular theatre critic Brian Logan, The Guardian (who uses the grammar skills of a 10-year-old to make his point. I suggest “to dramatically impact the industry” or “to have a dramatic impact on the industry.” impact on???)

 


This article was written by Stu Melton, a NYC comedian and also the piece of shit blogger who created A Comedian’s Notebook. You can follow him on Twitter here

The featured image is original art from Anthony Veasna So. Anthony Veasna So is a gay “man,” a Cambodian-American “son,” and a recent graduate of Stanford University. His prose and comics have appeared or are forthcoming in Barrelhouse, decomP, Hobart, Nashville Review, Ninth Letter Online, and elsewhere. You can follow him on Twitter and Instagram @fakemaddoxjolie

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