why puns are NOT funny, have NO place in comedy, and are generally PUNderwhelming

Like any good citizen of the world, I absolutely HATE puns. They’re the worst! Puns are polar-izing; some people love them, but others can’t bear them. I must admit, sometimes puns are written so beautifully that they are awe-ful. But, when it comes down to it, puns are deplorable and everyone should think so. The only people who like them are old wheelchair-bound vegetables; when it comes to puns, no one else will carrot all. Please humor me and just stop telling those puns!

Are you at the bottom of a hill? Because puns are a low form of humor. Like the branch of a discount retailer that’s conveniently located across the street from you, puns are an easy Target. Puns are so despicable that they make groan men whimper in agony. This type of wordplay imprisons your audience; all they want to do is bail.

Puns show how arbitrary meaning is – how layers of nuance can be packaged onto a single word. You think you’re super smart because you found that extra level of new-ance in our spoken language, but really your humor is so out of date that it’s an old-ance! (If you know what I mean!) Puns have already had their their turn to be hip.. .their turn-style. Seriously. Try to be more original.

The only reason people tell puns is to be irritating. Puns are told by people who know you’ll be bothered by them. They are so irritating and bothersome that they make you exclaim, “oy!” They’re just plain anoy-ing!

Puns are way more about being clever or witty than they are about being funny. In other words, they’re an attempt at proving you’re smarter than your peers: that you have c-leverage over them. A pun fools you into thinking that you’ve come up with an amazing idea. You think you’re witty, but you make us want to hit you wit a frying pain. You think you’re intelligent, but the type of humor is far too on the knows. A pun is never funny. Sometimes you can’t help but laugh along with them, but that’s not because they are humorous. It’s because they’re a surgical instrument used to force-ep-s you to chuckle. Leave it to the masters like Mitch Hedberg, Steven Wright, Demetri Martin, and Dan Mintz. They are the experts: the punned-its.

Not only are puns not funny; they’re frivolous and unnecessary, too. Comedy is all about conveying truthful, meaningful messages. Comedy is about connecting with people emotionally. Comedy is about being real. Puns totally ruin that because their exceptional meaninglessness. Or, as I like to say, nice-ing-more-ness! Puns just derail the conversation and make you lose your train of thought. A comedian can’t just easily slip a pun into his performance out of nowhere. The audience won’t take it well. They won’t consider it a sur-prize. More like a pun-ishment! It’s such a cheap laugh; if you tell one, you’re going to pay for it.

Have you ever heard one pun and then wanted to hear more? Never. Back to back, they’re torture – a form of saditis-m. When horrible people string puns together, we don’t strand a chance.

The worst part about pun-slinging is that there’s just no porpoise for it. People should not be aloud to say puns allowed. Those who tell these wicked, depression-inducing spells should be locked away for good like the griminals they really are.

If there’s one thing that people should take away from this, it’s that we pun-haters need to stick together! The world needs to realize how horrible puns are. So, if you hear someone tell a pun, make sure he knows what a wretched linguist he really is. Put him in his place! Or better yet, punch him in the face!!!

This post was written by Stu Melton, a NYC comedian and creator of ACN. You can find him on twitter @tellsjokes.

The featured image was created by NYC comedian and artist Steve Girard. Right now he’s working on a movie, called Floaters Dot Com, about turning people into free trial discs. You can follow him on Instagram @gevestirard and twitter @OrpahWinferd.

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If you want to find out more about why people hate puns, check out this Atlantic article. If you actually hate puns and want validation, check out this person’s McSweeney’s piece.

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