a made up story about the time Bill Burr said i was an inspiration and then did completely consensual submissive mouth sex to me – Alex Ptak

People are going to say this story isn’t true, only because it is fake. They are going to say “Alex is just trying to be funny” or “Alex has a tumor in his brain that makes him lie to the public.” When you get right down to it, why can’t we both be right? Cannot a lie be the most true? Would that be crazy?

Yes.

Anyway, here is a fabrication where a comedy legend tells me I am great and then puts his damp mouth-barn around my squealing flesh-hog.
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all the best free/super cheap comedy shows in New York City, according to comedians

I’m a New York City comedian. My non-comedian friends tell me all the time how they can’t see as much stand up as they want to because “When I go to The Cellar, I spend like $50 every time!” And that annoys me because the same exact comedians perform at free shows all over NYC! And big guests like Louis C.K., Aziz Ansari, and Jim Gaffigan don’t just drop in on club shows.. .they show up at some of these too.

So, I asked 50 NYC comedians which shows were the absolute best free/really cheap shows in the city. If more than one or two of them named a specific show, I added it to this list.

There are already a few lists out there about free comedy shows in NYC, but this one is the only one that.. .

  • is chosen by a bunch of comedians, not a writer/editor
  • is up-to-date.. .as of today, at least (12/27/16)
  • is this comprehensive
  • is listed by neighborhood – there’s bound to be one near you!
  • gives you such juicy links
  • has this Google Maps thing

Even though these (mostly) independent shows are free/cheap, a lot of them allow you to donate money that goes back to the performers. Please throw those comedians a few bucks if you do have the money!

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Nick Vatterott’s letter to UCB

Nick Vatterott is a big name in comedy. He’s a working comic who has been around New York City for a while now, working some of its best clubs. I think the consensus is that he hasn’t had his “breakout” moment yet on TV, but he has a huge cult following because he’s awesome. (see more of him on his website)

Yesterday, in frustration with the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater, he typed out this long Facebook post, which has accumulated upwards of 800 likes and 80 shares in 17 hours. His frustrations with the theater have garnered a lot of support from the stand up community. Everybody seems to be sharing or posting about it today!

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how to look like a serial killer

My room used to be all white with totally white walls, all white furniture, and white bed sheets. And I just recently realized that that is not normal.

So I called up my friend on the phone who is a photographer and I said, “Hey, why don’t you send me a picture so that I can put it up on my wall.”

So he sends me the picture, and I open it up and see that what he sent me is this giant print of…what looks like an empty, white room.

The only thing creepier than having a totally white room with all white walls and white furniture is having a totally white room with all white walls and white furniture, where the only thing on the wall is a picture of an empty white room.

Trying to seem less serial-killer-y, I decided to pin up my comedy notecards on the wall, too. Not that weird, right? After organizing them, I realized that all of the notecards are white as well. And they have the names of all my jokes on them. And the more you look, the weirder they sound, especially because you’d have no way of knowing why I wrote the phrases on these notecards without asking me.

“Make someone care about you?”

“Shower Ritual”

“Bill Cosby Cover”

“I think State Farm is there”

Normal people do not write these things on their wall.

I also acquired a new mattress. Not knowing what to do with my old one, I shoved it against the inner wall of my closet, thinking “Oh wow, I bet this would totally sound-proof the closet.”

Stop! Stop being a serial killer! How does being boring make me so creepy?! An all white room, one artsy photo, joke notecards, and a mattress are just boring things!

Maybe I should just embrace my inner serial killer and buy some tarps and an axe in preparation for my American Psycho-esque meltdown. The only problem is that I have no idea where they would sell axes in New York City.

You know, it really doesn’t make sense how having a really white room makes you seem crazy. It would just be way harder to clean when you do axe-murder someone. Just saying.

 

Greenwich Village Comedy club is in the heart of the West Village on Macdougal Street, just down the street from the Comedy Cellar. It’s where I’ve had my worst set: a grueling five minutes of complete silence. So it holds a special place in my heart. That’s what the featured image is about. If you liked this post, please like and share below! You can also follow the blog through Twitter, Facebook, or by joining my mailing list.